A Random Musing…How Do I Ask For What I Need

It’s a Sunday night, or more precisely, a Monday morning. The weekend is over, and it was quiet…really quiet.

Since leaving the office on Friday evening, I have not had a single verbal conversation with anyone.

I ordered my favourite drink at Starbucks, on an app, and said “thanks” when I scooped it from the counter. I did two curbside garden stuff pick-ups after ordering on-line and also said “thanks” when my products were brought to the car.

I responded to a couple of previously unanswered texts, and posted/upvoted on Quora. I worked on a couple of unpublished thoughts in progress here on Medium. Updated a couple of work things.

Played in my garden. Listened to music. Took some pictures. Read. Cried some bitter and lonely tears as another hard first went by. Didn’t sleep well. Brushed the herd. Did laundry.

What I really wanted, really needed, this weekend was to actually talk to someone. In a pandemic free time, it may have been an in-person conversation, but in today’s socially distanced world, a telephone conversation would have sufficed.

While texting, I could have asked to chat. I could have picked up the phone and dialed a number or two, and been pretty certain that the person on the other end would talk to me, but I didn’t do that. I couldn’t bring myself to say “I need”, for something as simple and ordinary as a conversation, however much I craved it.

Maybe, on some level, I wanted someone to reach out to me, to be missing my voice, to remember that I’m here and alone; to let me know that I’m not forgotten.

Maybe I felt a little selfish to be asking for comfort.

Maybe I’ve just pushed too many people away, asking, no, demanding, space, and now I have to live with that push.

Maybe my fear of allowing my feelings to come first, to matter, outweighed my want to connect.

How on earth am I ever going to get the things I need, if I don’t know how to ask for them???