A Random Musing…Why Does It All Seem So Difficult?

As I strive to find some semblance of my value, my contribution, to myself, I’ve had to really pick apart who I am and why I am. If I received remuneration for the time spent on thinking through, well, everything, I’d be financially set for multiple lifetimes.

Logically, intellectually, I am very aware that I am shaped by my life experiences, and that they will colour my actions and reactions, to the extent that I allow them to do so. I think, therefore I am…

Emotionally, mentally, I am frozen in the moments of those same life experiences. How is it that I, as a very logical, fairly intellectual being, continue to let those feelings and memories stop me from healing, growing and evolving?

On the days that I dare to step out of my safe little corner of the world, declaring that this is the day that I conquer who I was and embrace who I want to be, those little gremlins that lurk in my brain start whispering, casting doubts and aspersions on my ability to thrive. My bravado starts to crumble and panic starts to rise…

What if (I’m not really as ready as I think)? What if (I’m never really ready)? What if (I’m just meant to be in the corner forever)? It stops me dead in my tracks, followed by a return to the safe space, a failure to launch.

I’ve read, a lot, about controlling my inner dialogue/scenario, breathing, finding peace and self acceptance. It all makes such rational sense. The logic is infallible.

So why does it all seem so difficult? Is it because the doubts that bind my soul and psyche are so tightly ingrained that I’m irrevocably broken? Or is it simply that I haven’t yet learned not to overthink…everything.