Pondering Boudoir Photography — The Revisitation

In early 2020, I had shared some musings about boudoir photography, that I had summed up in a few sentences:

“It appeals to a certain part of me — the part that yearns to be empowered and proud of who I am, and how I look. The part that believes that I am sensual and sexual. The whole “I can love who I am” thing that I’ve never quite been able to get behind. And I think, yes, I should do this, if for no other reason that I would like to feel empowered, proud, sensual and sexual.” Me — Jan/20

And then, everything changed. My world changed, and then the whole world followed suit. My husband was killed in a car crash and in the weeks afterward, Covid quarantined the world and me, in my grief, along with it.

It was an excruciatingly challenging time. Too many hours (days/weeks/months) alone, trapped in an empty house, no escaping from the realities that life had thrown at me. No human comfort or contact. Just me - imploding, withdrawing, fading - with too many questions, too much angst, anger and loneliness to like, much less love, myself at all.

Almost two years later, amidst all the chaos that change causes me, I decided to revisit the thought of boudoir photography. Now, more than ever, I really need to discover other aspects of who I am, who I want to be and how I want to feel about myself.

In the aftermath of all that has happened, I’ve made the decision to actually do this. It’s not my contest entry in a world that constantly judges appearance; I’m not competing. Taking these pictures won’t solve my problems or make my life whole, fulfilled and wonderful. I won’t be loved or cherished or important to someone because of them. They won’t fix me. They are only a step in the journey of me finding and fixing myself.

My hope is that these pictures, so outside my comfort zone and usual path, will mark the beginning of another stage, a metamorphosis, a liking of my body and a new understanding of the woman within it.

No one else need ever see them; it’s about me being able to look at them, and seeing the woman, her inner goddess, that is empowered, proud, sensual and sexual.