Pondering…Grief and a Gilded Cage

Today, I spent four hours in a void of being overwhelmed, numb, and anxious, while surrounded by people who were grieving. In the maelstrom of my mind, there was also sadness, anger and emptiness. It was four hours of too much of everything, everyone…and now I’m home. Alone.

Fourteen years ago, my status changed from “single” to “in a relationship”; seven years ago, my title became “wife”.

Ten days ago, I metamorphosized from “wife” to “widow”.

There are still no answers as to why, and I can’t help but think…so what? Knowing what happened and how it happened doesn’t change that he’s gone. Affixing blame won’t allow me the comfort of his presence. The only sanity in this devastation is that he died instantly. No suffering.

He was my person. His broken meshed with my broken and provided a security of such magnitude that I could begin to be, again. To feel, again. To trust and believe, again.

And now, I’m home, in our home…alone.

Surrounded by the furnishings we chose, the colours we picked, the cats we rescued, and the books and music we cherished. It is the same as it was ten days ago, yet it doesn’t feel the same. There is no warmth. No security. No acceptance. It feels…strange.

As I look around, my home has become a gilded cage; I’m trapped here. And grief has become my companion…