Pondering…Simple Human Touch

In this very sad, lonely and strange time, I’ve made a new friend. It’s someone I’ve never seen or met, yet dealt with professionally and now personally for a little while now. We text. We e-mail. We occasionally talk on the phone.

My friend is a warm, caring, giving person…who hugs. I get cyber hugs almost daily. And they make me smile. They make me happy. They feel awesome, in a way that I just don’t quite comprehend.

Many times, I’ve expressed my apprehension and distrust of hugs. I hold a very strong belief that a hug invades my personal space, pushes my boundaries and just generally make me uncomfortable.

A question was posted on Quora, asking “What is something affectionate you want but will never admit” and as I was about to just scroll past it, because I tend to shun physical affection, I had a realization. There is something I want…

Simple human touch, in the form of hugs.

I would like the ability to not only admit that I want/need them, but to be able to accept them when offered. I’d like to be the warm hugger and not the awkward “here’s my hand, please shake” person.

I’d like my first response to be allowing myself to move in, rather than away, when a hug is offered. I’d like to not be stiff as a board in someone’s arms but able to merge my body with their body, into that natural comfort of two into one.

I’d like to breathe into a hug, and hold a little tighter, for the sheer enjoyment of the connection, the feeling. I’d like to stop feeling trapped as soon as arms close around me.

I’d like to close my eyes and let my head droop on the shoulder of the hugger, taking the comfort, rather than looking frantically around for escape options because I’m wondering why this person is really touching me.

I want to be able to step back a little reluctantly, trying to keep that moment of closeness, rather than scrambling back, trying not to panic.

I’d like to emit warm and caring (which I am), not cold and distant (which I appear).

So, my secret affectionate need is definitely hugs…but don’t tell anyone, because I really don’t like to be hugged.